I wrote this a few years ago. It’s kind of a cathartic reframing of what I went through inspired by that train station dream.
It’s a bad dream. You’re at a train station. You need to catch a train, it’s very important but all the people moving here and there are blurred.
You can’t see them clearly. It’s like looking through a dense fog or a windshield that’s obscured by pouring rain.
Desperation rips through you. You’re going to miss the train. What number was it? Which platform? You have to hurry.
You push through the crowds, but no one sees you. You call out for help, but no one hears.
You’re going to miss the train!
You wake one morning and realize something is different. As you try to identify the odd feeling that’s settled over you, you realize its been building for some time. Like a slow rise in temperature, you didn’t notice until the prickly sheen of sweat covers your skin.
As you move about your day, you increasingly feel like a stranger in a strange land.
You feel you are playing a role, granted one you know exceedingly well, but a role none the less. The director and stage hands elude you.
As the routine tasks of your day unfold, you know in your gut that this play has gone on too long. The characters have become flat, yours especially, and all the lines have been over used. There’s some place you’re supposed to be.
The days pass and the feeling of ‘otherness’ increases. This role you’ve grown into, this life you’re living, doesn’t seem to fit any longer.
You can’t figure out why, exactly. It used to be perfectly fine. In hindsight, you realize it hasn’t really fit for some time. You feel bad. The life hasn’t changed at all.
In fact, on paper, everything is perfectly fine. You have what you need. Your relationships are…what they’ve always been. There’s nothing to be done. It’s just a phase. It will pass.
The world has lost its color. There’s a deep-seated fear that has taken root in your soul. You don’t know who you are anymore.
Images and feelings from the train station dream flit across your awareness. The lines that once came so easy get stuck in your throat. You’ve begun to catch glimpses of the director and stage hands of the play.
The set designer may have quit because this stage was once far superior. The colors were rich and vibrant! The fabric was lush and the lighting translucent. You remember what it felt like to be alive. You want that feeling back.
At some point, days, weeks or years later, you decide you can’t do this any longer. But what is the option? Are there any other roles available? How does one go about finding them?
Stop playing a role. Wake up!
That voice has become annoyingly persistent. You feel it’s trying to help, but it’s maddening. It pipes up at random times and refuses to speak when questioned.
As the months pass, there’s a rising sense of panic inside. It’s all become wrong. You don’t belong here any longer.
The relationships are crumbling at the foundations. You want to explain, but for the first time, you don’t know the lines. The words you have to find on your own, painstakingly, one at a time because there is no longer a script.
You’re lost. You’re at an end of an era and you know it. Does that make this a beginning as well?
A spark of hope ignites you your heart as that maddening voice chimes in.
But where do you belong? Where do you go? How do you get started? What about all these other characters? You’ve loved them all your life. You can’t walk away.
You must find yourself.
“Well, that’s trite. Care to elaborate?”
The silence is deafening.
Time does its thing.
You are no longer who you were, but you haven’t become someone else as yet. You are in the space between.
You realize this is your journey. Excitement quickens within as you allow yourself to embrace the adventure ahead.
You can do this. I’m right here with you. Always.
You take comfort in the voice, perhaps for the first time. Something within has shifted. You feel a connection to this voice, this presence, that resonates on every level. You’re not alone.
Traveling to foreign lands solo never bothered you, but this, this was the unknown of Self. That road had been neglected, ignored, perhaps.
As you peer into your future, you see sparks of light and you know in your soul that this is just the beginning.
You feel the magnificence and the brightness of the future that awaits. You acknowledge the fear that flares up inside, and for the first time you set it aside as you step into your future.
You chose you over your roles, limiting beliefs and stories.
Have you gotten on that train yet? I hope so.
Everything you ever needed can be found within. If you’re struggling, I can help. Just send me an email and let’s talk. email@example.com